Today

They say what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I say what doesn't kill you will make you die sooner. My heart is breaking. It feels like someone just ripped it out and stomped on it. I have so much going through my head that I can't keep track of it. So many things that I want to write but can't. I thought I was doing OK. I found out that I'm not. I saw a friend of mine the other night at work. He had only found out that evening. He asked me some questions and I just wanted to fall to the floor and cry. People ask how I am doing. I look at the floor and tell them OK. I can't look them in the eyes and tell them the truth. I don't think that anyone knows how I feel. I don't know if anyone would or could understand. I have anger, hate, and I still find myself with alot of questions. Like, what would she look like now without the scares? Why is it my little booger? Out of all of the children in the world, why mine? What did I do? What did I do? She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. So why this? Questions with no answers, is that all that I have to hold onto now? I sit here with tears flowing down my face looking at these words on my computer screen, wondering where do I go from here?

Baby girl is doing better than I ever will. She has been fussy the past couple of days. Don't know if its a tooth or if two weeks of strong chemo is getting to her. I still find it strange how someone can brighten and darken your day, by taking just one glance at them.

Love ya,
Jen, Jw, and Baby Bella