Late Night or Morning

Its 3am and Bella is fast asleep after eating almost an entire bottle. She seems a little bit more fussy lately. I am not really sure why. One minute she's fine and the next she is cranky. Maybe thats just babies. Maybe she's just female! What do I know!

I sit here in front of my computer looking at old pictures of Bella. I look at the pictures and I want my baby back. I want the baby that can look me in the eyes and laugh. The chubby baby with fat legs and big cheeks. I know this sounds bad considering that I still have my baby. But there is always the what ifs! What would she look like if she never got sick? How big would she be? What would she be doing? Would she still look me in the eyes and laugh? Everyone says that it will be alright. How do they know? Do they go to the doctors with me? Do they live in my house? Don't tell me that everything will be OK. I don't believe you. I know that I am supposed to have faith that everything will be alright. But that is the hardest thing for me. Its easier to focus on the 90% bad than the 10% good, right? Its like watching the news. Twenty five minutes of bad with five minutes of good. I see that she has already touched more lives than I ever will. A lot of anonymous comments out there. I wish I knew who some of you are!

We have become the best at smiling on the outside and falling apart on the inside. I see it in Jen's eyes and I'm sure everyone sees it in mine. My head hurts from thinking about this to much. Maybe, I can sleep now!

Bella's surgery got moved to Thursday. Everyone is coming up for support. That is awesome.
Thursday at 11am at Kosair's Hospital.